Let's talk about this little guy right here:
Kason is a ball of energy. He always has been. He is a social, happy, easy-going, goofy, wild-child with TONS of energy. He can make you laugh with his one-liners or his stories and the faces he makes to go along with them just add charm. He makes friends everywhere we go. He is a GOOD kid. Just today I was thinking how easy of a kid he has always been, from the day we brought him home from the hospital. He was content enough in life to not want a pacifier. He rarely cried. Laughed a lot. Slept through the night early on. Potty-trained in a day. He was just an EASY, happy kid. If all my babies are like him, I will have 8! (In all honesty - I am terrified for our next kid...Kason set the bar pretty high for his siblings) For people who are "Children Whisperers" (by: Carol Tuttle) Kason is a through and through Type 1 child. Bouncy, random, animated ... just fun. Before I read 'The Child Whisperer' I will, unfortunately, admit that I wondered if Kason might have some level of ADD (a common misconception of Type 1 Personalities) but, the book changed my way of thinking. He is just that way. That's him and that's how he will always be.
Personally, I love that about him. Because, I am a Type 1 personality too, and it helps us have an awesome connection. I love my relationship with Kason.
I am a FIRM believer in allowing children to be themselves, let their personality define them and who they are ... NOT what a parent/teacher/friend wants from them.
{BE YOURSELF.}
Now, the real reason for me rambling is .... I'm at a loss of what to do. Because Kason is such a social kid, he likes LOVES to talk. He could talk your ear off. And he likes to daydream and not focus on what's going on around him. At home, this isn't a problem, because we've figured out ways to work around it and help him still be productive at home.
The real issue lies in school.
Kason is in Kindergarten this year. He loves it and it's SO good for him! Friends around him, ALL day long!? He's in heaven.
Well, his teacher, seems to be kind of strict. Which I understand is important in some situations, don't get me wrong. But, I also think that teachers, especially Kindergarten teachers, need to cut their kids a little break! Kids are kids, they are going to be wild and crazy and energetic. Well, my kid anyway.
So, at school they have a rating system for the day. Green, yellow & red. You can figure out what they mean, right? Kason ... gets stuck on Yellow a LOT. It gets pretty frustrating as a mom having him always come home with a yellow or a red because I want him to be successful in school. Academically, he is top of his class (so dang proud!) but, behaviorally, he's not. Sometimes the reasons he gets yellows are ridiculous "I accidentally whispered the answer to myself" or "I was tapping my pencil on my desk." To ME, those seem silly. Especially for Kason, who then comes home thinking 'I am such a bad kid.' ... In fact, he has told me on numerous occasions, "I'm so sorry I'm a bad kid because I come home with yellows and reds."
*cue the waterworks*
right? It kills me because we have never told him "You're doing so bad in school. How dare you get a yellow! You're such an awful kid. Go sit in your room and think about it for hours on end." But, he's a people-pleaser. He wants everyone to be happy. So, he automatically assumes, it makes him a "bad kid" when he gets in trouble.
One day, he wrote me the cutest note and slipped it under the bathroom door (will I EVER have peace and quiet in there?) that said, "I am sory I got a red. I love you."
Again, cue the tears.
He WANTS to behave in school but, because of who he is and his personality ... it's a real struggle for him. He loves learning, he just doesn't like to do it sitting still.
We have tried talking to his teacher and explaining this to her. But she still tells us his behavior is "out of control". I honestly have gotten to the point where I don't even flinch when he gets a yellow because I know he's just being himself at school. Probably the wrong attitude because I KNOW that he needs to learn how to listen in school and that he needs to learn how to focus ... but how do you teach that when he's not with you for 6 hours a day? And how do you get a teacher to work WITH you instead of being stuck on how she has always taught, and discipling each child exactly the same. I have told her a few things that work at home for disciplining and she says "Well, I don't really like to do that with my students." And I should have said, "Well, then you're not going to get the results you want with Kason." I didn't, because I don't have the guts. But, it's SO frustrating.
Anyway ... I am ranting about his poor kindergarten teacher who really does do a great job academically. He's reading and adding and subtracting numbers. He loves science. She does a good job. She really does. I just want her to see Kason the way Brad and I see Kason. He's an amazing little boy, and she's missing out on enjoying his personality and who he REALLY is because she's focusing on how "out of control" he is. I feel like she is keeping him from his full potential. I also feel like she is crushing his self-esteem despite any attempt at home to assure him that just because he gets yellows/reds, it doesn't make him a "bad kid". (I hate that label! HATE it!)
So, what do I do?
Honestly. Be honest with me!
Do I just let him keep getting yellows and not worry about it, because I know he's being himself?
Do I keep trying to convince his teacher to discipline him in ways that I know will work?
How can I make this a win/win situation for us at home and at school?
Maybe I just need to ride it out for 5 more months and call it a semi-successful year in Kindergarten. He can read, that's good enough, right?
But, I want him to be happy and successful at school, too, instead of just at home/church/with friends.
(that's the other funny part, his teachers at church adore him and say he is an amazing kid. THEY see his potential!!)
Okay ... am I being ridiculous? Do I need to just let this go, let her do her thing at school, while we worry about him at home? No, I know that's not the answer either!
So, what is the answer? Because we have yet to be able to figure it out. How can I get him to be successful in school? How can I help him learn to focus on what is going on instead of daydreaming?
Part of me also thinks that maybe he gets bored in school, so he has to do something with his boredom ... so he talks or goofs off. Or, part of me thinks that since he is an only child, he craves the attention from his teacher while he's at school, whether it's positive or negative.
Alright, enough about this. I want to know what you would do...
Ready...
Go!
{he's also a handsome devil, too, isn't he!? I love this boy so much ... can't he just be happy in all areas of his life?!}
Ok, my son Nik had Tons of problems with his 2nd grade teacher. He was being sent to the office & getting detention. We finally forced the issue with the principal & made them change him to another teacher. From then on he had straight "A's" (teacher was tougher too) & was on his class honor roll. There's a lot more to this story but...
ReplyDeleteKeep on this. Kason's self esteem will continue to be eroded unless you do. If you can't convince the teacher, talk to the principal. Find different ways to continue the discussion. Volunteer in his class (what I did & when we decided that Nik had to be changed to a different teacher) Don't let this go on. Definitely pray about this & for her.
The volunteering in his class thing might be a good idea. Maybe you will get a glimpse of what's going on first hand. Unfortunately, teachers have many many students at one time to worry about and can't really focus on the kids like they need. I don't have any kids in school yet, so take my advice lightly!
ReplyDeleteI was going to say the same thing About switching teachers. It's so heard for little ones who are used to running free to suddenly sit for 6 hours a day. I loved my kindergarten teacher so much that when she moved to second grade I wanted to be in her class. She was a horrible pe rson to teach second grade! I came home crying EVERYDAY with a headache. My mom didn't believe me until she saw it with her own eyes and most of the other kids had the same reaction. Then it was too late to switch classes. She might just be a second grade teacher trying to teach kindergarten! :P whatever you record to do, make K understand that he is not a bad kid because he got a yellow or red no matter what anyone tells him! Explain that his teacher just wants him to listen and si't still that the colors are how many reminders he needs that day. I also highly recommend the "you are special"book by lex de azvedo to read to him. It's perfect to help him understand little by little that he needs to listen to you and God where his self esteem is concerned.
ReplyDeleteBuy her a copy of the child whisperer!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about her missing out on Kason. I wash sad he was never in my class because I didn't want to missed out om him. And I miss y'all. I don't really have advice, I just thought I would agree that Kason is amazing and you are great parents.
ReplyDeleteThat was SO sad to read because we experienced the SAME EXACT THING this year. Ayden is in kindergarten and sounds a LOT like Kason, and Kason's teacher sounds exactly like Ms. Monica. They didn't do colors at that school, but she would send a note home almost every day. It was for dumb little things, like he would step out of line or something. She made comments like he was completely out of control, and it made me feel like a terrible mom. I really think that for some reason she just didn't like Ayden (or me for that matter), that's really what it felt like. He would come home crying EVERY day. I even stood outside her classroom once after I dropped Ayden off, and heard her single out and YELL at Ayden for not getting to circle time fast enough (when there were 5 other kids still putting their backpacks away). That was the last straw.
ReplyDeleteSo I switched schools. I really believed he needed major help, and wanted him to go to a better school district. So he goes to a much better school district (even though it's a 20 minute drive each way), and his teacher there is AMAZING. She is laid back, but tough at the same time. Ayden's entire attitude changed the first day he went to school there. They also have the color system, and he has only gotten yellow once. She is super positive and the first parent teacher conference she had nothing but nice things to say about Ayden. The one negative problem that Ayden has is speaking out and concentrating, but she even turns that into a positive by saying that she loves his enthusiasm and they are working on it :)!
Sorry for the novel, but it really sounds like your situation is a lot like our's was. I really think it is the teacher. Kids, especially that young, can really pick up on adults vibes and it sounds like her negativity isn't helping anyone. Just having a teacher with a positive attitude has made Ayden happier and want to behave better. Plus, I really think his previous teacher was just WAY overly hard on him (I mean, making him sign a note saying he stepped out of line in KINDERGARTEN!) Maybe try talking to her or the principle and saying that you think Kason would respond better to positive reinforcement. Otherwise, the school year is almost over and I would just wait and look into first grade teachers, if you have any say in who he gets. I wouldn't sweat it too much, I was REALLY worried about Ayden's behavior and it turns out he is fine, it was his teacher that was the problem. His teacher now actually say's he is one of the better behaved kids in class!
Hi Jami......Kason makes me smile. I was just like him and drove my teachers (mean, Nuns) crazy. I spent a lot of time sitting out in the hall or in the principal's office or in my desk in the front of the room next to the teacher's desk. I couldn't sit still or be quiet. I had a lot of self esteem problems and my parents weren't much help. All the advice above is good.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing things right; keep telling him he is smart..probably smarter than others in his class...he catches on quickly while the others are still working on it. Took me years to get to that train of thought for myself in school. Finally a teacher (who was considered the toughest nun in the school and feared by all) took me aside and explained that while the class was easy for me it was harder for some others and my actions were hindering their progress. Well a big light went on in my head and it was a life changer for me. She was kind and thoughtful, made me feel good and even said that a lot of my comments were clever and humorous....but I needed to stop interrupting.
That pretty much did the trick for me. I didn't have engaged parents like you are to Kason....so just keep doing what you are doing..letting him know he is smart and a good kid. If it is possible, maybe volunteering to help his class may do some good.
You can't deride his teacher (in front of him) and he should know the goal is to please her, even if we know she could do better. I like the point above to tell him the red and yellow cards are just reminders that he needs to keep working at being attentive. Be sure to point out to him that all teachers are different and that in the next years he will have teachers that will look at things differently.
If he is doing really well with the lessons, maybe he just needs more work to do than the rest of the children..to keep him busy. I was given a lot of classroom tasks to do; like erase the board or take messages to the office. Gave me a chance to burn a little energy and not have to sit still.
Finally you. You are a fine mother and doing all the right things, just keep trying new ones and the stuff that seems to work. Kids are kids and they just "do stuff." Don't be so hard on yourself and Brad is the same way. He has always been his own harshest critic. The teacher knows you care and are working it..that is already a big step. Stay engaged with her and maybe she will cut him some slack.
Love you guys....Geo
He is such a sweet kid, and you are such a sweet mom to be so in tune and want to fix this. I totally agree with a lot of what's been said, especially about going in to the classroom and observing. It'll help you get a grasp of what he's seeing and what the teacher's seeing. And if nothing else, you can look into switching teachers. There are different teaching styles and most administrators know that. I don't know about the new principal this year, but the vice principal was great to work with with things like that. (Who's his teacher?) I could make kindergarten recommendations if you'd like.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest thing is seeing others not treat your child the way they should be treated. It sucks. It really does. But I can tell you from personal experience, that even those crappy situations can bring out good things. My sweet Breanna was berated and verbally abused by a teacher in 1st grade. It was bad. We didn't realize just how bad it was til AFTER the school year was over (Luckily, we were only there three months). But, it permanently altered how she reacts to things. She tells us everything now (LIterally EVERYTHING: "Mom, I'm wearing red today." "Mom, I am now pouring a glass of milk" (ha ha). But she also is the hardest working student I have ever seen. And she is so happy all the time. I think that little time in a bad environment showed her how much happiness can be found elsewhere. I know it sounds a little harsh, and I would never want to make my kid go through it if I could help it. BUT, if you can't, continue to be the safe haven he comes to every day. Let him have social opportunities outside of school where it is not only okay, but WOnderful to interact and chat. Best of Luck, Jami. You can do this. He is such a neat kid. I love that he would come and give me hugs all the time. I miss that sweet smile of his. Have a great week!
My son has been in the same boat... he's now nine. Had issues with focus and being crazy in school. We took him to a place down here called Melmed and had him tested for ADHD. He's always been super smart, spunky, loud, crazy and fun and yes kids are that way but he struggled in school with staying focused and paying attention and not talking and interrupting the other kids so they wouldn't get their work done either. We took him when he was 5 the doctor tested him for ADHD and yes he had it. We had him put on medication to help him with his focus problems. We started out slow and saw a huge improvement. Many people I'm sure judge me for my choice to put him on something but when your son starts to notice that he can't focus and can't control certain things its time. I'm not saying that KASON has ADHD but sometimes just having that ruled out helps. This is my short version but I think you are a great mom and he knows you love him and you'll do anything to help him. The hardest thing for me was accepting that my child did have ADHD and I needed to help him succeed in life and if that meant getting him the help I couldn't provide then I needed to do that as a mom. Didn't mean that I failed him. I would have failed him had I not gotten him the help he needed 4 years ago. That first step is so hard and scary. Best of luck. Emily Otteson
ReplyDeleteJami, Your question hit home with me as I had a similar situation with my son, Sebastien. My first question is: What happens when a child accumulates reds or yellows? Is there follow through on the teacher's part?
ReplyDeleteI ask as Sebastien at one point had 47 "reds" in first grade. I asked "What is the next step? The teacher did not have an "ultimate consequences(ya' know back in 8th grade when 3 infractions = a detention). Well, nothing happened I was told. As a Mom I thought that was not a good discipline system. But, I told Booter (his nickname) to hang in there.
Question what is the step that follows? How does a child manage to "restart"?
Ask Kason the reason for the yellow or red. As parents we may not see the validity in the system, but we can take the opportunity to hear from our child their view of the situation for the day. Continue to encourage your son that you love him.
Sebastien and I did come to an understanding that sometimes "not so good teachers" are necessary so that we know what a good one looks like.
You have a lot of good advice already. The mere fact that you are asking the question speaks volumes.
I like the volunteer idea so as to provide you with a first-hand perspective.
Good night!
There have been so many suggestions that are awesome!! Keep talking to the teacher and go beyond that if you need to. keep it up and keep it up. Don't be afraid to be the squeaky wheel. I would suggest though, that when you talk to her have some options in mind of things that you know will work for Kason.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I learned it college one thing that really stuck in my mind about behavior is the the consequences, positive or negative, need to be associated with the function of the behavior. What is Kason's function? To get attention of others or even himself?? I would suggest talking to the teacher to see if you can get a positive reinforcement system that would get him attention or allow him to talk or move or be active if he can stay green. Make sense? Example, If Kason stays green for X amount of days he gets to tell a story to the class at the end of the day, or be the leader of a certain group, or gets to eat lunch and talk with a special person, or go play outside for a few extra minutes, or read a book to a group of people, etc, etc, etc. Find something that will match the function of the behavior to be his positive reinforcement. What would Kason LOVE to do at school? See if you can make that a reward for staying quite, focusing etc. You could also do a system like this for Kason at home. Just make sure that the reinforcement and or consequences match the function of the behavior, whatever that might be.
One more thought. When you talk to the teacher find out very specifically what will get Kason a yellow and a red card and even what will keep him with a green card. Make sure you and Kason know EXACTLY what behavior will get him what card. And if you think it is unrealistic for Kason to be green all the time, tell the teacher that. Maybe ask the teacher if there are certain times of the day where "yellow card behavior" is okay. Let Kason really be "yellow" at those times.
Oh dang, one more idea. Are there certain parts of the day Kason has a problem staying green? I have seen in some classrooms where kids give up when they get the yellow or red. Maybe Kason could have a card for the morning and a card for the afternoon. That way you can really celebrate the green and possibly find out when the problem times of the day are or what settings are the hardest for him to stay green and try to focus just on helping him in those times of the day.
And wow, I really went on ad on... You are a FANSTASTIC mom and Kason will be okay no matter what because he has you and Brad.
Good luck. Love you!
I am so glad you wrote this because this is my son to a T and we have just started have major problems in all his classes and I have felt like a failure. Gavin isn't in kindergarten yet, but his preschool and music teacher have both talked to me lately. I have always wondered if my kid was the only one with this type of personality, so I'm so glad to read he isn't. I have wondered about him having ADHD also but every time I talk to his doc he says that ADHD is over diagnosed and that he is still just a normal boy. He may be more on the hyper side but not ADHD. He said if it becomes a major problem in school then he would test. I don't think Kason sounds like that but it never hurts to test if that gives you comfort, I guess. I agree with what everyone was suggesting. I definitely think that you do need to try to do something about the self-esteem the teacher is causing, that could have long lasting affects. Luckily, both of my son's teachers are very positive even though they have talked to me and they both understand his personality and are positive about it. His preschool teacher is mainly concerned about kindergarten for him. That being said, since he is in this class at least for now, maybe you could help to try to help him to be successful with this teacher. I'm not saying that you want to condone her behavior, but you do want your child have success in his self-esteem and as much as we can build them up with our words, I think getting some positive with school play a role also. An idea is you could make a reward chart for him not getting any reds and then move to yellows, if he can do that. You just want this to be a successful thing so just choose whatever you can so that he will reach the reward. Obviously if the teacher is being lame about him not getting to circle time fast enough, then I wouldn't count that red against him, but if it is for things like not stop talking when it is teachers time then I think that is something he could strive to do better in. My son's teacher wants us to focus on at least the table time (that's when they are doing their work) for him to be quiet. I think just picking one area for him to gain success is totally appropriate and will really help with the self-esteem. Obviously with school being 6 hours, it can't be for the whole day, but he can definitely do some of the time. So reward that. I obviously don't have older kids, so you don't have to go by me, but I have been a teacher for a few years. I know reward charts can help a lot. I still think you can try to get him moved, but there is a good chance he wont be able to, so you have to try to make the best of it with this teacher as you can.
ReplyDelete