Did you know that diary stands for Dear I Always Remember You? Pretty fitting for my mood tonight, which is a mixture of somber, anxious, grateful & blessed. We are just a couple weeks out from my husband heading to Afghanistan for a deployment. That word, that place ... it gives me shudders and puts a knot the size of Texas into my stomach. I don't like it ... at all. And in all honesty, I should probably just pack up shop, turn this computer off and head to bed instead of sit here, filled with emotions, writing to the world. (honestly, it would be best, but here we go regardless...)
People always ask me "How are you doing?" ... and honestly ...
I don't know.
I cannot put into words what my emotions are.
Am I hurting? confused? scared? anxious? Yes.
Am I grateful? blessed? proud? honored? Absolutely.
I am constantly feeling a mixture of all of those emotions rolled up into one big ball of feelings that is bursting out of my chest. I can't even choose what emotion I'm going to feel at any given moment. Sometimes, my son comes up to me and asks if I want to play ball with him and I just start bawling thinking, "What is this poor boy going to do without his dad around?" Or other times he comes up to me, asks me to spend time with him and I yell at him, out of anger for not leaving me alone and send him to his room. I have gained something like 10 "pre-deployment stress" pounds, despite eating crazy healthy. Also, I am pretty sure I have, subconsciously, withdrawn from everyone: friends, family, child, husband, self. I am numb to everything. And at the same time, I am trying to soak up every last second I have with my husband before he leaves. Let's be honest here, I am kind of a mess. I have been apart from my husband for 5 months, during our engagement & I have done the single-mom thing before, for 3 years. But, there's something different about sending the one you love off to war.
This will be my first deployment as an army wife. I have watched multiple friends go through deployments and they have all survived, thrived even. They were perfect examples of strength and courage during a challenging time that could easily defeat some. My sweet friend Mary Anne, gave birth to their third child, while her husband was deployed, naturally ... at home. Without her husband by her side. Their little boy didn't even get to meet daddy until he was five months old. She is an example of courage and strength.
I have another friend whose husband has missed the last three 4th of July's because of deployments. Or the woman I know whose husband was killed in Afghanistan and she was left, picking up the pieces of her life as she stood next to a flag covered coffin. War is real. These woman are strong.
Before I became an Army Wife I had such admiration for women who married into the military. They are amazing women. How can they handle sending their husband's off to war? What would it be like to only be with your husband for half of the year? And now ... I find myself among those amazing women, standing side by side with them understanding their emotions and their hurt and their acceptance of what life is like in the Military.
I have always had a lot of pride for America and the freedom we are blessed with but, I don't think I ever fully comprehended that freedom until I became an Army Wife. I can now say that I understand, first hand, the sacrifices that are made for America. There is so much that is put on the line!
I know we will be okay. We always are. I know that time will continue onward & we will make this whole deployment thing work, somehow. I know that life will find a new normal and that we will blessed along the way. But most importantly, I know that, soon, I will be back in his arms and he will be out of harms way.
But, until the time comes that we are reunited, pray a little extra for the men down range, for their safety. Pray a little more for their families left behind, for the wives falling asleep in an empty bed and the children counting down the days until Daddy is home. Pray for the leaders to be sharp and make wise decisions.
{And if it wasn't midnight-30, I would be able to end this blog in a super sentimental way. But alas, you're stuck with nothing but cheesiness from here on out. Basically, I will take all the prayers I can get. I am turning none away...ok...}
And, another honestly? Do you want to know why I came on here in the first place? To post some pictures we had taken before Brad leaves. Pa-the-tic. That's me. I started looking at the pictures, tearing up at a few, and then I got all weepy and sentimental and I thought: Now would be a great time to write a really long blogpost of my emotions instead of actually posting the pictures. Riiight. Note to self: No more blogposts, during deployment, after 10:00pm. Anyway: My friend Mary Anne (the really amazing, all-natural, husbandless-at-the-time, birthing friend) took these pictures for us and I am more than in love with them. They capture our family perfectly and the emotion behind them is so powerful. I will forever cherish these pictures. And ... I think I'm pretty blessed with two amazing boys in my life who are pretty dang handsome if I do say so myself! Okay ... enough jabbering ... pictures please!
Love this man!!!
And ... if you stuck it out through all of that, you deserve a gold star. Seriously. Kudos to you if you're reading this. And ... Go 'Merica. I love my husband ... and I'm incredibly blessed. (See? I couldn't keep the seriousness going. Way too late. Way too loopy.)
Good night!
xoxo.
